I’m a war, of head versus heart,
And it’s always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.
–“Crooked Teeth” by Death Cab for Cutie
Making an adoption decision is often a battle between your head and your heart.
Even if you’re not normally an indecisive person, there’s a good chance that if you’re considering adoption, you’re feeling incredibly conflicted. Many of our clients feel like their head is telling them one thing, while their heart is telling them another. Their head might be saying, “You can’t take care of your other kids if you parent another baby” or “How are you going to finish your education if you become a mom?” while their heart is responding, “But I love my baby! I don’t want to say goodbye to them!”
Or their head might be saying, “I can afford to support this baby. There’s no logical reason for adoption,” while their heart is saying, “But I don’t want to be a mom right now” or “It’s not the right time for another child.”
When we’re feeling indecisive, we often find ourselves looking for signs or trying to get someone to make the decision for us. For example, losing your job might make your head scream “See? You can’t support this baby!” or watching your other children play might cause your heart to say, “Look! You’ll love this child as much as you love them!” You might ask your counselor, friends, or family members what they think you should do. They can provide guidance, but in the end, the decision is yours.
Either your head or your heart is most likely going to take up a little more space in your decision making; but that doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the other one. If your head is telling you to choose adoption and you decide to go forward with it, that doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby with your whole heart. If your heart is telling you that adoption is the wrong choice, deciding to parent doesn’t make you foolish or illogical.
And remember, your decision doesn’t have to “make sense.” For example, folks who know they can support a baby but do not want to parent sometimes have an especially hard time making a decision because they feel that choice will be hard for others to understand. But it’s okay to listen to your heart over your head, just like it’s okay to listen to your head over your heart.
Adoption decisions are rarely obvious. No matter what you do, your head and your heart are likely to fight with one another and with you. The question is what choice you can live with, both now and in the future. What do your brain and your heart tell you is most important in your life? How will you think and feel about your adoption decision in two years? What about ten?
What did your head and heart tell you about your adoption decision?